Frugal, Google and Poo(gle)

My laptop has been playing up recently, and I have learned from my technologically knowledegable boyfriend that rather than calling it names, pleading with it (sometimes with tears) or stomping off in a mood whilst telling it to 'talk to the hand' in the hope that it will sort itself out, it is advisable to Google the problem as a question, and invariably there'll be a million other people in the virtual world that have encountered a similar problem and have had the decency (or absence of life) to put up their findings on t'internet.  

Now, in the past, as with most of my belongings, if it was playing-up, worn-down, broken, no longer matched an outfit, was off-trend or I was simply having a bad day I would have probably just bought a new one.  However in my current socio-economic status of UNICORN (Unemployed Nobody In Country Of Rich Nerds) I have had to be a little bit more frugal and attempt to find solutions to broken goods (or wear last season's clothing).  So, in my new found role of 'Technological Troubleshooter' I decided to google 'why does my laptop make a noise like an pneumatic drill every time I open Facebook, E! Entertainment Online or any online shopping site?' (hmmmm, had I been a cynic I may have thought, just for one fleeting moment, that my aforementioned technologically advanced BF was responsible for this laptop demise by embarking on a cunning plan to kill three birds with one stone..... I can almost hear his thought process now.....): "Raa haa haaaaa... with this plan I can a) prohibit my chick from bankrupting us by online shopping as she thinks that if her credit card doesn't actually leave the house it doesn't actually constitute 'shopping' b) prevent her from turning into a mindnumbingly dull 'hausfrau' with no brain-food other than the latest gossip from the world of Kendra or The Kardashians, and c) give her a lesson in technology, whilst also keeping her amused for hours at a time whilst she painstakingly trawls the internet for solutions to problems that can easily (and only) be fixed if I just replace this little 'bimbo-chip' in her laptop...."  But of course, he would never do such a thing!

Anyway - after cranking up the giant drill I opened Google and started to type in 'why does my....' at which point Google (as it does) brought up a list of things that it thought I was going to ask - (and despite my technological retardedness I do believe these things are the most frequently searched questions) to find that the things people really want to know are (and seriously, try it if you don't believe me)...
Why does my belly button smell?
Why does my cat lick me?
Why does my eye twitch?
Why does my dog eat poo?
I'm really hoping that it isn't just one poor, unfortunate soul that is asking all of the above questions....

Anyway - so here I am, a mere three words into my technology project and I have already found myself a new one!  Discovering the weirdest things that people google every day!  I decided that if I found so many funny things just from the words 'why does my...?' then there must be even more if I typed in 'why am I..?' or simply 'why...?':  Sure enough - I was faced with:
Why am I so ugly?
Why am I still single? (surely one doesn't need to look up both of the above...?)
Why do men have nipples?
Why is my poo black?

THEN I decided to move onto Google Images and go through every letter of the alphabet to see what came up as the most sought after images just from that single letter.  My discovery included a lot of the predictable things - A: Angelina Jolie, B: Beyonce, Breasts, C: Cheryl Cole, Cristiano Ronaldo... However I did discover a few interesting things....: P: Poo, U: Ugly people, Y: Yoda.... Why do people want pictures of these things???  Actually I don't really want to know.  However it is blatantly apparent that the UK is obsessed with poo, disgusting ailments and being ugly!  Lovely!

This did prompt me to pose a question (to myself - there's no one else here to ask)...
Do people in all countries ask the same questions?  I had my suspicions that they wouldn't.  After all, we Brits seem to be unhealthily obsessed with our looks, bodily functions and diets despite being a nation that eats too much, doesn't exercise enough, doesn't consume the right foods and so on.  You only have to look at all of those British TV programmes like Fat Club, You Are What You Eat (where that Scottish gremlin woman visits people who live on crisps and beer 24/7 and then acts surprised when their poo resembles a Heineken-soaked pork scratching), Embarrassing Bodies (the one where a bunch of GPs trawl regional England in search of people with disgusting ailments and conditions, who are too embarrassed to go to their local GP but more than happy to unleash their scabby, itchy, weeping parts on national TV to a doctor that everyone else seems to think is a heart-throb but I think looks like the guy Eric Stoltz plays in the film Mask where he has that weird disease that makes his head grow deformed and he is looked after by his 'normal-headed' mum who is ironically played by Cher....)

So anyway I decided to start my research with the obvious - Switzerland.  Are people in Switzerland obsessed with ugliness, gross conditions and poo as much as English people?  Well, in order to start this project the first task was to ascertain the words for 'poo' and 'ugly', as well as 'why am I' and 'why does my' in German (and Swiss German perhaps?) and then log onto Google.ch and give it a go.... 

I approached Dan with my questions.  He doesn't even bat an eyelid anymore when I randomly ask him questions like "how do you say 'poo', 'ugly' and 'why am I...?' in German".  He just gives me the answer, and nowadays even volunteers a little bit extra.  For example he told me the word for poo is Kacke (haha!), but then went on to informed me that there was a phrase in German used in the same way as we would say 'the shit will hit the fan' which is 'die Kacke ist am dampfen' which literally means 'the poo is steaming'.  Thanks darling!

Anyway, I did my research and actually the main questions that the Swiss & Germans have are
Why am I so dumb?
Why am I so unpopular?
but ALSO... Why am I so ugly? 
However there was very little in the way of poo or other bodily functions, so I figure the reserved nature of the Swiss & Germans hereby is proven via my own personal study of what they search for online.  I wonder how they do find the answers to Smelly-Belly syndrome then....?

Anyway, it has been a very scientific and worthwhile study if I do say so myself.  I am somewhat concerned about the obsession with ugliness that everyone seems to have.  Granted, there are some among us that are less easy on the eye than others, but to actually seek out the reason why on the internet?  I just hope some of these poor souls find the answers they are looking for.  Anyway, next up, top search topics from Outer Mongolia....(why does my Yak malt?  How do I knit a jumper out of my wife's hair?  Can Dr 90210 give me Genghis Khan cheekbones?).... only joking - I'm over this subject already....

Happy searching!