Q: How many men does it take to open a beer? .... A: None, it should be open when she brings it to you.

I've never been super-hot on technology.  Don't get me wrong, I love it, and I couldn't live without it, but I don't care HOW it works, just that it DOES work.  I don't want to know the science behind it - I just want it to make my life easier on a daily basis.  For the most part I manage to be fairly advanced in my gadgets and gizmos.  I had an iPhone within weeks of them being launched, have a massive online music library, I am the proud owner of numerous contraptions that allow me to have all manner of hairstyles at the flick of a switch, I even write a blog!   Don't get me wrong - it does drive me insane sometimes that with every new advancement seems to come another reason for humans to whinge when something doesn't work. "OMG my iPhone app that pinpoints my exact location to within a square foot and tells me the current weather conditions and temperature isn't working!!!!! What am I going to do?????"  Stick your head out of the frickin' window, moron!!! 

I don't care about having the newest or best of anything (except shoes)- I just care that I can carry out tasks quicker, with more ease or to a higher standard than I did before, with minimal effort and absolutely no additional technological knowledge whatsoever.  I think this is a massive difference between men and women.  Just yesterday when I was having my bicycle-gear-changing-proficiency lesson with my other half it went like this:

D: Ok, bring your bike over here and lets do some basic stuff
Me: You mean Ueli
D: What?
Me: His name is Ueli (this is a very common Swiss name and it sounds a bit like 'willy'.  Not that I am immature or anything..... but if I am allowed to say words like 'willy' in public regularly without people thinking I'm weird or riddled with Tourette's then I'll be damned if I'm not going to take advantage.   This is not the only rude translation I've taken to using as often as possible...  Following a bit of probing I have also discovered that there's no way in the world Dan will allow me to call our as-yet-hypothetical first-born-child Ueli so I figured my bike would be the next best thing)
D:  Right. Ok, bring it here and get on it
Me: Him
D: (exasperated already) Ok, bring Ueli over here and get on HIM
Me: hee heee heeeee - get on willy?
D: Do you want to learn to ride this thing or not?
Me: Sorry. Yes.  (I get on the bike)
D: Ok, these are the gears and I'll explain how they work
Me: I don't care HOW they work, just tell me which ones I press to go up a hill
D: If I explain it to you then you will understand better - you need to know how they connect to the cogs on the bike.
Me: Oh  but PLEEEEEASE baby can't you just tell me which ones to press?  I don't care about cogs.
D:  silence (actually he has gone..)
Me: Dan? (looks around)  Dan?!......

It is a similar story whenever anyone attempts to explain the workings of technological objects to me.  I figure if I spent the time learning about exactly how the microchips in my laptop worked and what would happen if they didn't, then I could have actually hand-written a note on a piece of paper, cycled it to the recipient on Ueli, and hand delivered it instead of sending an email...... burning a few calories and getting some fresh air at the same time.  I could record all of my songs onto a multi-pack of BASF tapes instead of uploading them into iTunes (at least we didn't used to have to pay to record the Top 40, even if there was a bit of radio chat at the beginning and end of each song!), I could play Scrabble on a Scrabble board instead of sitting next to Dan on the sofa while we both play each other on our iPhones (which is lots of  fun btw - because it just WORKS and I don't need or want to know how...). 

My love of technology does not extend to computer games....  Again, there's is a huge male / female divide on this subject (and most females that  do claim to like computer games generally are just attempting to impress a man or appear to be one of the lads - you know it's true so don't give me any of that crap....)  I have conducted my own research and discovered that for females over the age of 14, any enjoyment in participating in a computer game is fairly short-lived - we are much too easily bored, unless the 'game' involves fitness (like the Wii Fit games), intellect (word games, solitaire etc) or real-life simulation (house interior designing, cosmetics etc) and then it's not really a game is it?  Its self-improvement, which we, as women are continuously striving to achieve.   Of course men will argue they are striving to self-improve too..... Self-improve their ability to gun down aliens, ram-raid police stations, rip the spinal cords out of mutant babies and tackle Rooney using only their fingers.... all skills that are going to be very useful on a daily basis.....  Guys, don't get me wrong - we love you for being you (most of the time).  Otherwise we'd all be lesbians wouldn't we? (don't start!)

In fact, during my only game of FIFA 2010, (despite scoring 2 goals in the first 5 minutes and never playing it again), my favourite bit was the cosmetic creation of the footballer (eye shape, nose shape, hairstyle, outfit etc....) which really surmounted to creating my ideal man - which luckily (for me and him) resembled my real-life man in his entirity!  I do actually believe (and again, I have conducted research on this), that us ladies should gracefully bow out of computer gamery instead of pretending to like it, and instead leave the men to it as they much prefer playing amongst themselves anyway.  In fact, I have it on good authority from a large sample group that men prefer it when women do not attempt to cross the line into their world and instead just bring them a beer from the fridge and then go off shopping or for a manicure and leave them to FIFA, or at best take on the role as spectator / cheerleader, clapping and shrieking and shouting 'MY HERO!' as they score a goal. 

As you can see, I am no feminist, in fact I am an anti-feminist, or preferably I'm 'pro-feminity' and I think in this day and age us girls have scuppered ourselves somewhat by trying SO hard to be more like men, that when we do expect to go off and do our 'girly' stuff it is no longer considered to be our right to do so!  Those of you who are responsible for this please STOP it now and let men be men and women be women!  For goodness sake girls, by all means watch the World Cup, even GO to a match (just dress for a sporting occasion...), have the odd beer and even the occasional arm wrestle (just make sure your nails are done if people are going to be looking at your hand).   Just keep it real ladies - we wouldn't like it if our men insisted on coming to the salon with us would we?  I'd be mightily disconcerted if Dan was to tell me he suddenly wanted to get into cosmetics or hairstyling (despite it being quite useful), or if he bought a pink, sparkly bike.  Yes he might wish to join me on my 'Pole Dance your way to Fitness' class but not as a participant, just a spectator...  And I don't see what's wrong with me bringing him a beer when he is watching the footie.  He always brings me a glass of bubbly while I'm watching X Factor!

Now, don't start taking this the wrong way and thinking that I am being a weak and inferior woman.  Quite the opposite.  We can be hugely successful in our own right, without compromising our femininity, or our intellect.  We are equal to men in many ways, superior in some and inferior in some.  What is wrong with that?  Us ladies have the right to indulge in excessive pampering, admiration & protection from our men, cheating at card games and a certain degree of well-placed petulance.  We should always let the men carry the heavy stuff (including ourselves if we happen to need a fireman's lift from time to time..)  It is also our right to decide if we want an elective caesarian (until I meet a man who can shit a watermelon, I will take no advice from one regarding childbirth!)
“A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.” Carrie P. Snow

And if you STILL think anti-feminism is in any way only an emotion shared by weak and feeble women, then heed the words said by one of the most powerful chicks in history...
"I am most anxious to enlist everyone who can speak or write to join in checking this mad, wicked folly of 'Women's Rights,' with all its attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every sense of womanly feelings and propriety. Feminists ought to get a good whipping. Were woman to 'unsex' themselves by claiming equality with men, they would become the most hateful, heathen and disgusting of beings and would surely perish without male protection." Queen Victoria, March, 1870

I leave you with a recommendation for a book that a very good friend of mine sent me a while back:
The Bombshell Manual of Style by Lauren Stover

Ciao ciao for now. TJAx