The train station here has a 30ft Swarovski crystal Christmas Tree in it! Train stations in England have beggars in them, puddles of wee, and sometimes needle bins. All of which can be shiny, but not in a good way.
Its highly unfortunate that the one Christmas that I am not surrounded by neon tat, is the one during which neon tat just about represents my demographic profile... Still - it makes my walks from the train station to home, via the 2FR shop much more interesting. The 2FR shop being the Swiss equivalent of the Pound Shops back at home (although strictly speaking 2FR today is about £1.30 so as with most things here, you pay a higher price!) I finished my job 2 weeks ago, so am officially unemployed for the duration of December at least.
Now, Christmas is a bit different in these parts. First of all we need to address the issue of Schmutzli. Schmutzli is like the evil Santa - he dresses in black and follows Santa around and basically (from what I can work out) beats the living crap out of naughty kids with a broom stick...... erm, ok. Don't believe me? Check it out here.
Imagine Schmutzli in Streatham? He wouldn't last 5 minutes. Some youth would have kneecapped him at the first glimmer of a broom, a long time ago.
Anyway, being fully briefed in the Swiss version of Christmas, I was feeling quite proud of myself a couple of weeks ago at work (when I still had a job), when one expat (who has been here a hell of a lot longer than me I might add) piped up (in the very quiet and serious office) 'does anyone know what Schmutzli is? My 5 year old has been invited to a party and apparently Schmutzli is going to be there with Santa?'
Me, being a) excited that I knew the answer, and b) loud because it was my second to last day there jumped up and went 'I KNOW! I KNOW! ITS THE BAD SANTA!' and immediately proceeded, hastily, to try and bring it up on Google to prove that I was right. Not knowing the correct spelling I got as far as SMUT and managed to hit enter, at which point an array of porn sites appeared, and the company firewall shut me down - bringing up a red, flashing security alert on my screen, and all of the people who'd started to quietly gather around my desk for the lesson in Swiss Festive History witnessed my shameful finale at the Bank... oh well, better to go out with a bang hey?
Now, the other thing about winter in Switzerland is of course the snow. I can't tell you how many people have said to me (not as part of a conversation - just as a random question in itself): 'Ski or board?' Just like that. Out of the blue. Even people that I have never spoken to before. Is that like the only thing there is to talk about here in the winter? Do I ski or do I snowboard? errr, does Apres Ski count for nothing? Yes I have skied, about 16 years ago, in Scotland, for a bit. And it was ok, but the most appealing things about skiing for me, nowadays are the cosy chalet bars, the warm alcohol fumes, the furry hooded Chanel ski jacket, the oversized shades and the excuse to buy La Prairie skincare products to combat the cold weather effects..... Skiing on a budget however - that's a different story. If I am going to chuck myself down a mountain into the freezing snow, with my feet strapped into their own individual sleighs and my already-overly-mobile knees at risk of permanent relocation from my legs, then I am sure as shit going to look good while I am doing it. And I'll be wearing enough of an alcohol-jacket to mask both the cold, and the inevitable pain. Let's just be clear about that from the outset.
As for 'boarding'... well, I am still trying to work out whether having my legs strapped to individual sledges, or keeping them firmly together is a better idea. But the simple fact that to me most snowboarders look like something out of South Park might be enough to make me a skiier. Ski or board? I'll keep you posted....
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