Switzerland in the winter is a great forum for schadenfreude. And before you go on at me for being mean (again), then believe me when I say I probably provide those around me with a healthy and regular dose of the stuff. In fact Dan and I have an agreement that when one of us trips over, stands on a plug, falls out of a moving taxi (he hasn't actually done that), stubs a toe or tumbles face-first down a ski slope (that's usually just me), then unless death or a horrific injury are on the cards, or there are hysterical tears (again, only me), we are allowed to laugh at each other, publicly, with pointing and everything.
As soon as I realise that all of my bones are intact and I am still alive then I will openly laugh at myself! After all it makes me all the more happy to be alive having had a brush with the grim reaper himself (ok I know I am being over-dramatic but you get my drift...)
I have seen more people fall over in a comical way in the last couple of months than in the rest of my 32 years on this planet combined. And the fact that the Swiss don't laugh at people ever, means I am usually singled out and given the evil looks from all of those around me as I openly guffaw at the poor soul trying to scrape themselves up off the ice whilst trying to attract as little attention as possible. I can't help it! There's something about the sound of someone slapping against a floor, or the sight of a pair of legs giving way and flapping wildly while trying to stay upright that is hilarious beyond belief. And I AM (believe it or not) a nice person and always want to go and help people up, but I can't because I am usually too busy laughing, and scared that they will be so offended and humiliated by it that I would only make the situation worse. So I'm afraid I just stand and watch everyone else, sober-faced and pretend-concerned (even after it is apparent that no damage has been done apart from to the pride of the 'accidentee').
Anyway, back to the topic in hand - words. Don't believe it if someone tells you Swiss German is like German 'but just a bit different'. That's utter nonsense (or 'unsinn' in German, which incidentally is 'seich' in Swiss German..... Oh look how similar they are - they both have an 's' in them...... see?!) Anyway, so when one arrives in Switzerland, motivated to learn a new language, ready to take on the challenge, determined to get by on one's own.... it can be somewhat disheartening to discover that there are actually 2 languages to learn. Yes, everybody tells you 'learn High German because the Swiss understand it', but in reality, when every day around you all you hear is Swiss German, you start to pick up and recognise those words more than the High German equivalent - without necessarily knowing which language you are even hearing. And then of course repeating them without knowing which language you are speaking. 'Duh!' I hear you say (which actually would be 'Doch!' in German and 'Moll!' in Swiss German) 'why not just learn Swiss German then?' WELL - because Swiss German is not actually a written language, therefore in order to read and write here, one must learn High German, despite hearing Swiss German in everyday life!
Now, I am very determined to at least be able to understand people (it makes me paranoid to be in the company of people that could quite possibly be calling me a muppet to my face while I smile, and nod and even say 'thank you'...), so at the moment I am continually questioning the very patient and linguistically superior Daniel.
HOWEVER, I am unfortunately of a very inquisitive nature and 'but WHY?????' is one of my most frequently asked questions. I not only want to know what words mean, but why they mean it, and how they work in different sentences. And frankly if they don't work in the way that I want them to, I will use them in that way anyway. Initially this was to Dan's despair, but I am proud to say that I have now managed to make him start using my 'new' way of speaking German, sometimes without him even realising it - HEE HEE HEE (I don't know what that would be in either German)... Take the very simple 'please', 'thank you' and 'you're welcome'. Here's how it went;
Me: So, I say 'Danke' for thank you, and 'Bitte' for please?
Dan: Yes, and how do you say 'you're welcome'?
Me: 'Wilkommen!'
Dan: No, it's 'bitte'
Me: No it isn't - that means 'please'. you just told me that.
Dan: Yes but it also means 'you're welcome'
Me: But WHY?
Dan: It just does
Me: well it should be 'Wilkommen'. That means Welcome. I know because it says it on the sign to the chicken place.
Dan: Yes, but that means 'Welcome' as in '"Welcome to the chicken place"'
Me: But it sounds better than saying 'please' to someone who has just said 'thank you' to you.
Dan: (thinks about this) Well I see your point but that's simply not the right word.
Me: well I'm just going to say it anyway (with a petulant 'and that's the end of it!' flick of the head)
Dan: errr, ok.... (looks around for help / escape route... I forgot to mention we are in public. Not the chicken place but a steak place, which is neither here nor there to be honest as there was every danger that I was on the verge of testing out my new language preference imminently regardless of our location... which I did...)
After this point I have proceeded to say 'Wilkommen' every time he (or anyone) says thank you to me - (in any language.).... and THEN... last week HE said it to ME!!!! And now, it is just a part of our every day language!! I just have to conquer the remaining 7,630,605 residents of this fine country, and Bob's your uncle (which of course is a perfectly normal phrase to use in any language).....
So there you have it. Forget High German and Swiss German - they are SO 2009. This year is all about the Tess-German. I will be delivering lessons going forward so stay tuned...
Anyway, back to the Swiss German, or 'Schweizer Deutsch'. DO NOT, under any circumstances, make the mistake I made at a corporate conference last week, and tell someone that you are currently learning 'Scheisse Deutsch'. It was some time later in the day that I realised why he had walked away from me chuckling and wiping a tear of laughter from his eye.
Despite it being 'a dialect of German' Swiss German is very different, not just in the words themselves, but tone and intonation as well - on the one hand it is a very pleasant language as everything is said in a slightly sing-song way. In fact the more you go up and down with the voice, the more Swiss you sound. I have a great deal of fun with this - I push it to the absolute extreme, literally flitting between octaves in just one word, much to my own amusement, only to find that the local I'm speaking to is nodding and grinning in a approval at my excellent interpretation of the language. However there is also the unfortunate pronounciation of 'ch' which isn't said in the way we Brits use it (e.g chips, chavs, Charlton) but is more like the sound one would make when coughing up a furball. Add this to the fact that lots of people here chain smoke, especially the old 'mountain folk', and there have been many occasions that I have grimaced and moved away from a nicotine-stained-bearded cowboy that sounds like he is gargling with his own phlegm and is about to spray me with it. Unfortunately I actually did this on one occasion when the yellow-bearded-phlegm-gargler was talking to me. Whilst I do try to be accepting of people, I draw the line at being unwillingly sprayed in bodily fluids of any kind.
I did actually meet a very nice yellow-bearded local in a bar one evening who told me that in order to test whether someone can speak Swiss German properly, ask them to say the Swiss word for 'kitchen cupboard' which is 'chuchichäschtli' and see if they get it right. After 4 glasses of wine I spent around 20 mins perfecting this with help from my new friend George (actually his name is Tschugge, pronounced 'Chew Gay' but I heard it as George so have called him that ever since). Anyway bucketloads of spit and a shredded throat later I mastered the Schiesse Deutsch and now wander the streets of Zürich saying 'Welcome' and 'Kitchen Cupboard' to anyone that will listen. This website is a very useful one for anyone moving to Switzerland with a limited (to the point of non-existent) understanding of the language.
Moving on to place names... many street and towns names here end in '..kon' (pronounced 'corn'), '...wil' (pronounced 'veeel') or '..egg' (pronounced 'egg'). Some of my favourites are Bubikon (Booby Corn), Wetzikon (wet sick corn), Manegg (Man Egg), Eggrainweg (Egg Rain Veg) and my all time favourite - Spitteleggwegg (Spittle Egg Veg).... Have a look here if you don't believe me! I'll finish this post with a few lessons learned (so far)..
1) Richtung / Richtig: On my first train journey home from work, I knew it was 7 stops until our station (Adliswil). So I got up after the 6th stop and waited by the door to get off. As the train stopped I hopped out, looked at the sign and got back on the train! When I eventually made it home I explained to Dan that the train had stopped at Richtig, Zürich instead of Adliswil.... Richtig in German actually means 'Right', but in Swiss German is also used for the word 'Direction' (which in German is Richtung. Confused? I am!)... and I had seen the sign at Adliswil station saying 'direction, Zurich' and thought I was at a town called Richtig...
2) Freudlichen Grüsse: Emailing to reserve a table in a restaurant, I received an email back asking if I would mind eating 30 minutes later. I replied... 'Dear Freudlichen Grüsse, we would be happy to arrive 30 minutes later.' Freudlichen Grüsse is not someone's name. It means Yours Sincerely....oops
3) Damen & Herren... Yes I know this one is easy and there's no excuse, but on the day of arrival into the country, after a long drive and lack of sleep, and desperate for a wee, I hopped out at a service station and saw 2 doors - one had a word on it that incorporated the word HER, and the other incorporated the word MEN... to me, it was a no-brainer.... I only saw the urinals as I came out out of the cubicle and made a dash for the door, only to run straight into a man coming in who obviously needed a wee as much as I had as he was already getting his Schwanz out as he walked in. That's a mistake I'll never make twice...
So there you have it. I have also heard stories of people thinking that all motorways lead to a town called Ausfahrt (Exit), and so on. So I know I am not the only one who has had problems. Though I am pleased to say, every day there is some progress, and this week I found myself for the first time, speaking a whole sentence, effortlessly!
I leave you with my favourite word to date: 'Kunterbunt', meaning 'varied' or 'multi-coloured'.... the perfect word to spice up an argument without actually saying something wrong... 'darling, I was only saying how 'varied ' you are!'
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