Queen of Hearts, Farts & Tarts

Hello and Happy Easter!  I am rather excited today for 2 reasons - firstly it's the start of a 4-day weekend which means my usually very hardworking fiance will have lots of time to spend with me - the sun is shining, BBQ on-the-go, Prosecco cooling in the ice bucket, fiance armed with tongs and adorned in a comedy-apron ... It's a perfect start to the weekend.  Secondly, my mother and father arrive tomorrow to spend a week in Switzerland with us.  I'm blessed with having a fabulous pair of procreators, whose combined brain power has the ability to give me the answers to absolutely everything in the whole world, ever.  My friends used to call my dad 'Dictionary Dad' because he knew the meaning of every word, question, cryptic clue plus the answers to all of life's most difficult questions ("but WHY Daaaaaad?!  WHY?!").  He's taught me so much over the years - including how to perform an emergency tracheotomy & how to say 'fart' in different Indian & African dialects.  Once when we were playing hide & seek he managed to cram himself into a TINY kitchen cupboard (and he isn't a dwarf), and stayed there for over an hour - PURELY in the name of entertaining me & my friends!  He's an all-time hero!

Mum is equally amazing - she always knows exactly what to do even when faced with the most adverse situations - whether a medical drama; (age 12: "Muuuum, I have a lump on my chest!"...."yes dear, that's your breast"), a work incident (age 25: "Muuum, a manager at work is being really mean to me".... "well my love, he's bound to have a tiny willy"), or a culinary crisis (age 32: "Muuuum, you know that wrapping that a pork leg comes in?  I can't get it off"... "You mean the string bag?"... "No, the one underneath".... "That's the skin darling").  She also taught me at a very young age how to get what I want, when I want it and from whomever I want it from.  My learned skills have, for the most part, served me well up until now but I think getting what I want in Switzerland is a bit more of a challenge, so I'm pretty sure that once the 'rentals have been over, they will have equipped me with a new set of skills to continue my success in my new habitat.

Being only semi-employed I have a lot of time to think about things and do things I wouldn't normally do at the moment.  Some of my brain-power has been put to good use - I have pondered many questions and wondered about things I hadn't previously thought of - (like do Orthodox Jewish men use curling tongs if they happen to have naturally straight hair?) I have learned some key German phrases to help me get by - like 'No, sorry - I'm English' (a phrase used in a variety of situations - being asked for directions, being offered a half-price mullet in the hairdresser's, being asked to drive on the correct side of the road) and 'Please may I have a very, very large glass of wine? In fact just give me the bottle.' (usually used immediately after one of the aforementioned situations).  I've rediscovered some of my previous long-lost loves - (i.e. things I used to do before the corporate investment bank machine ate me up and tore my soul from my being), like baking jam tarts, remembering to eat lunch, wearing nail varnish in slutty shades, having a mind of my own, looking at my hand only to find there is not a BlackBerry attached to it & going to bed on a Sunday night without lying rigid in case I puke with nausea and fear at what the following day might bring...

I have also become very good at things I've never done before or never thought I'd be good at - climbing up mountains, making log fires, painting pictures & ironing bed linen (yep - I really did this. once)
The internet has been a good friend to me these last couple of months too.  I have developed a finely tuned set of life skills, like How to Beat a Polygraph Test and How to Make Balloon Animals.  I know that once I am introduced back into civilisation, I'll be unstoppable!  This isn't a period of relaxation - this is TRAINING!! Like a Shaolin Monk I will slip silently, unnoticed back into the world of the unsuspecting civilians of Switzerland (in fact the flip-flop/sock combo will probably HELP me integrate here, given some of the fashion trends I've seen...)

Speaking of which, I have often thought I'd make a great spy - no one would ever believe that I am one, even if I accidentally announce it in the pub after a few drinks.  I'm far too indiscreet - not on purpose, I just forget that I'm not supposed to say stuff, which means I'd make the most unlikely spy!  I.e. I'd be the perfect candidate. Also, I often come across as much less stealthy and intelligent than I am - which is a very useful skill as I have come to appreciate over the last few (well, 32 actually) years.  It's much easier to lull people into a false sense of security if they just think you're a bit ditzy.  Take poker for example - no one would believe that someone would actually jump up, start clapping and shriek with joy when they are dealt a good hand, but I did this during a recent game (not on purpose - I just forgot it was a secret).  Anyway, I won that hand, and then a couple of games later I did it again and surreptitiously watched the smirks go around the table, only this time I had been dealt a terrible hand.  I won that game too....the skill isn't in the game play, it's in the hustle, and I am working hard during this time to perfect mine.

So I am actually very blessed to have been granted this time where my days are not filled with corporate pressure, despite it being somewhat difficult to adapt to.  I know if I didn't make the most of it I'd look back someday and wish that I had, so I am doing my best to dedicate my time to becoming accomplished at as many things as possible.  On that note, I must dash - I've got this tapestry to finish off before my folks arrive.....