Heaven is a giant sausage, dipped in mustard

Disclaimer: If you are an over-sensitive vegetarian don't read any further....

I am the biggest carnivore in the world.  If it was once breathing, mooing, trotting, oinking, flapping or grazing, then I want to eat it.  And don't give me any of this cruelty to animals crap.  Eating meat is human nature and more importantly it tastes bloody (excuse the pun) marvellous, so imagine my delight when I arrived here in Switzerland to find that meat is even more a part of the staple diet than it is in the UK, or anywhere else I have been in fact.  Not only is meat everywhere, but it is of the highest quality I've ever known, and whilst it costs at least 50% more than in the UK, it's worth every penny.

I'm not a fan of the potato, rice or bread as a base for a meal.  Don't get me wrong, I am not some Atkins freak (or any other diet freak for that matter), but I would rather eat 2 sausages than one hot dog in a bun.  Meat is my bread.  My perfect sandwich is 2 slices of salami with a slice of cheese in the middle. Not eating spongy stuff just means I have more room for some extra animal derivatives!  Apart from copious amounts of meat, my diet consists largely of vegetables and fruit (liquid fermented grapes, and cranberry juice with a dash of cointreau and vodka both being regular contributors to my 'five-a-day').  I also keep in very good shape by exercising 3 or 4 times a week so frankly can eat what the hell I want without too much worry about the weight thing

Anyway, I used to find it difficult in restaurants in the UK to order meat accompanied just by salad, or vegetables.  Waiters would accept my order, but STILL bring my plate over loaded up with chips, potatoes, bread etc.  No wonder so many British people are overweight - having bucket loads of starch served up at every meal.  So it was such a welcome relief to come here and discover the 'Fitnessteller' which basically means 'piece of meat (could be chicken, beef, a sausage etc) accompanied by a salad.'  Practically every restaurant offers this as the norm!  Much tastier, and much less calorific.

It is also perfectly commonplace to see people walking around with a sausage in one hand and a little paper pot of mustard in the other, dipping as they go.  This is the 'on-the-go' snack in Zürich (a snack in Swiss-German is known as a znüni, but only if you have it at 9am...any other time is not technically a znüni as the nüni bit in 'znüni' means 9 o'clock.  There are not other words for snacks had at different times, so I have deduced that the Swiss are just so disciplined and meticulous with their timings, that they have never had to invent a word for a snack that isn't eaten at 9am, ever....  Go figure).

A giant bratwurst is also the post-pub option of choice.  Forget dirty, smelly kebabs electrically sliced from a dubious looking 'elephant leg' by a sweaty, machete-wielding scumbag. Here its all about the sausage.  And if one does happen to have a kebab, then it looks like it came from an animal that wasn't run over by a gritter 2 weeks ago and scraped up by a dirty shovel before being compressed into the aforementioned elephant leg with all of the other roadkill and grit.

Another discovery that I have made since being here is a cheese 'speciality' called 'Monk's Head' (yes I know. But it sounds ruder than it actually is).  Tête de Moine, or Monk's Head is a cheese first produced by the monks of the Monestary of Bellelay in 1192.  Read more of the history HERE. 

My personal experience of Tête de Moine is this.  I was sitting in a pub in Zurich recently with some friends, and we ordered a platter.  Now, a pub platter in a bar in England usually consists of some dodgy chicken wings, greasy spring rolls, cold pitta bread, humous, chips and a bit of dry chicken on a toothpick (if you're lucky) and usually costs about a tenner.  A pub platter here costs 3 times as much, as do most things, and consists of the finest cured meats, exquisite cheese, meatballs made of the premium beef I've mentioned before, huge king prawns perfectly cooked and the most artistic garnishes I've ever seen.

Well, it was one of these 'garnishes' that turned out be the Monk's Head.  I actually thought the platter was decorated with small white flowers to start with, and then looked closer and realised they couldn't possibly be.  And just as I was peering into the platter, and, in hindsight looking scarily like I was about to start grazing hands-free straight from the plate, I saw a hand grab one of the flower-like-thingys in front of me, and looked up to see someone put it into their mouth and eat it!!  Only then, after seeing the vacant expression on my face, did Dan tell me it was actually cheese, that had been intricately and artistically shaved off  the top of a bald round whole cheese (hence Monk's Head) with a contraption called a Girolle.  It tasted as amazing as it looks, and because of my instant love of the Monk's Head, Dan bought me my own Girolle and wheel of Tête de Moine as a Christmas present. 

This brings me onto the Bürgermeister Schwert, or 'Mayor's Sword'.... again, disappointingly not as rude as it sounds.  This is actually a sausage that is so vast it is served to the table skewered on a full sized sword.  This really is my idea of heaven, and I have yet to order one or fear of being watched by the whole restaurant as I attempt to eat it.  However I have some friends coming over in a week's time, and we have decided to have one 'for the table'....  Stay tuned for photographic evidence!  In the meantime, the photo below shows me in practising for the big occasion.....

Well, all this talk of food is making me hungry..... ta ta for now homies....